Daddy's Little Boy

After fourteen months, I am officially done breastfeeding. It has brought about expected (and hoped for) changes, more freedom, smaller bras and the dropping of my last five pounds of pregnancy weight. The unexpected change however is breaking my heart. Lou wants nothing to do with me. He loves his "dada" and I have not gotten one snuggle in over a week. I know it isn't personal, but after months of our own personal connection, it makes me sad. It has much more to do with the fact that Louis no longer sits still...ever. The kid wants to be running around and playing at all times.


"Pause for a hug?" "No way!"
"Kiss?" "Blech."
"Sit on my lap for a story?" "I'd rather play over here while you read loud enough for me to hear."


I don't mean to wish to keep my son a baby. It would be a huge waste of energy. It won't work and I do want to watch him grow up. It's a privilege to be able to. What I want is to remember. I want to savor the moments as they happen because soon it will all change again.


It's been super fun watching him turn into his own person. He's starting to talk, well, he tries really hard and he will engage in a "conversation." He takes after his dad and finds himself incredibly funny. He loves going to school to play with his friends and I'm already wondering how I"ll entertain him during break. I'm sure one of these days he'll snuggle me again, I'll just have to wait it out.

Teething...

SUCKS!!! Poor baby is cranky and in pain and his parents are exhausted and running short on patience.


This too shall pass.


Right?

The Ongoing Crisis of Abundance

I would like to start sharing things I've read that have made me laugh, cry, are inspiring, make me think, challenge me, or are worth remembering.


The first one I'm going to share is The Ongoing Crisis of Abundance from Talk Birth: Celebrating Women, Transforming Birth. I have found since Louis was born fourteen months ago that my need for control and my ability to do EVERYTHING have created a never ending conflict in my life. More than once this last semester, I've felt overwhelmed to the point of breakdown and  but when I sit back to figure out why, it's for ridiculous reasons. It's because my new bought over a year ago house still isn't fully decorated, because I don't have time to do crafts with my new born over a year ago son, because I don't have the time to bake great food, make great gifts and take great pictures, because my Google Reader is full and I just don't have the time to empty it. This is RIDICULOUS! Every day I do great things. I do what I can. I do not need to do everything. I continue to repeat this to myself as I ban Pinterest from my life, I do not need to do everything!

Working, working, working

Without the task of writing every day about the things for which I'm thankful, I haven't been writing much. (Knocking on wood) things seem to have stopped being one giant cluster after another, and so now I'm back to the every day grind of task completion. Next week is final's week at school and so I was hoping to get caught up with all things school-oriented before I left campus on Friday. Not quite, but I am much closer than I have been some semesters. Next week I'll grade final exams and submit grades, while hopefully starting on notes and planning for next semester.


At home, I'm trying to instill as much holiday cheer into our lives before it's all over for 2011. 

Decorated the house. 

Gone to visit Santa at Heritage Farm in Hudson. 

Attended the UNI Men's Glee Club Christmas concert. 

Celebrated St. Nicholas Day (complete with oranges in our shoes). 

Attended an ugly sweater party. 

Celebrated Freking Christmas with with Jo and Dylan. 

Started work on the Biennial Freking Family Christmas Program.

Listened to enough Christmas music that Nevin has threatened (under his breath) to move out.

Sipped on coffees with egg nog.

Baked.

Drank hot chocolate.

Hung out with Kevin, Scott, Hermey, Buddy, Bob, Phil (WHY ARE THESE ALL MEN?).

Also hung out with Judy, Betty, Clarice, Susan, Sybil.

Started, emphasis on STARTed,  gift buying. Although, my list is nearly complete.

I love this time of year. It's the time to search out the best in people and every situation. It's the time to give of oneself. It's a magical time of wishes and hopes and dreams. I hope Nevin and I can create special traditions and instill the real feelings of the season into Louis'childhood.


Now if I could only will it to snow...

Stationery card

Holiday Preview!

Be careful what you wish for...

I have been craving a day to myself. A day for whatever I want in the exact moment I want it. No worries about anyone else's needs, just a selfish day for me. I imagined reading and crafting and blogging and shopping. Maybe some cooking or closest organizing if I got really ambitious.

INSTEAD I woke up a little before six this morning and just didn't feel right. By the time I sat up in bed, I felt terrible. The next 13 hours I spent alone not worrying about any one else's needs. Nevin and Lou had a day just the two of them while I laid alone in bed wishing for a regular busy day full of errands and dishes. Whether it was food poisoning or the flu, I am hoping to not have to deal with the likes of it ever again. Being sick is the greatest reminder of how good I really have it every day I'm not wishing for someone to put me out of my misery. After having some toast (thank you, Nevin) and half a bottle of Gatorade (again, thank you hubby) tonight, I feel I am finally on the mend. My dehydrated joints are still screaming in agony but the thought of food no longer makes me want to go on a hunger strike.

Why oh why, could this have not been a day spent with my nook and a bottomless coffee cup? Apparently, in the future I must be clearer with the genie.

Days of Thanksgiving: Twenty Four

24. I am thankful for
books +
blankets +
movies +
hot chocolate +
our (fake) fireplace +
a couple totes of holiday cheer =
TODAY!!

Days of Thanksgiving: Twenty-Three

23. I am thankful for a clean house. I hate cleaning. I am not one of those people who enjoys the act of cleaning, tidying, scrubbing, dusting, or vacuuming. All I need to do to motivate myself to those tasks however is to think of the feeling I'll have lounging on my couch knowing my toilets are scrubbed, the counters are wiped and the floors are crumb free (for the time being).


I grew up in a busy house that was overrun with kids and pets. It's not that my family wouldn't have loved a clean house, it's that it just wasn't a priority. I should rephrase that, it wasn't a priority for the majority in the house, my mom would have killed for a clean house but she couldn't win the battle against seven (often lazy) kids, an instrument collecting husband and furry pets galore.


Now that I have my own house, I force myself to make cleaning a priority. I still hate the act of cleaning, but the result of having a clean house cannot be matched. It is the start to all things great.


Now if only I could tackle the virtue of organized closets and drawers...

Days of Thanksgiving: Twenty-Two

22. I am thankful for crafts. I don't have the time to do them as much as I would like, but the anticipation of a good craft is exciting. This pre-Christmas season I'm going to work on an advent calendar for next year.

It will be time consuming and require some patience, but here's hoping!

Days of Thanksgiving: Twenty-One

21. I am thankful for a good cry. I like to think I roll with the punches. I try to buy into the idea that I'm spontaneous and change is a positive thing. The truth of the matter is that I need a schedule. I want to know what to expect and I don't do well when I don't know. Little things often bother me but I force myself to push through. When the fiftieth "little thing" in two weeks happens however, I can no longer pretend. After having our new fridge delivered yesterday and discovering it was 1/8th of an inch too large for the hole in the kitchen, I held it together until the delivery men left. I held it together long enough to go buy Louis milk (as he had sucked the last bit down with his breakfast). I held it together as I hauled the eggs and cheese up from the basement to cook lunch. I even held it together when I hauled it all back down to the basement. When I hit my head on the light that usually hangs over our dining room table but was now in the middle of the room since the dining room table had been moved to get the too big fridge into (and out of) the house, I lost it. Poor Louis watched his mom sobbing like she had not sobbed in a long time.


I can remember very pointedly times in the last few years that I've cried like this and while the problems are never solved after the sob, the act of the sob gives me a renewed sense of power. If I survive the sob, I can conquer whatever it is that has me down and much of the hopeless feeling diminishes.

Days of Thanksgiving: Twenty

20. I am thankful for my love. He is my best friend. He has been there for me in the best and worst moments in my life. He is undeniably funny. He is caring and gentle. He is a great dad. He is an amazing partner. He is a giant goofball. He is my favorite.

Days of Thanksgiving: Nineteen

19. I am thankful for the Hallmark Movie channel and DVR. Louis decided after sleeping for three hours last night that he was wide awake. None of my usual tricks worked. Stories-nothing. Snack-nothing. Rocking-nothing. Nursing-nothing. Singing-nothing. After fighting with him for an hour, I finally gave in and came downstairs to play and watch a movie. He finally gave in to the sleepies about 1:00AM, but while we played blocks I also got a cheesy movie fix!


One day he won't need me to keep him company late at night when he isn't tired. One day he won't let me rock him. One day he won't want to spend his Thanksgiving break nights with his mama. One day he won't sit in the same room as me while I watch Eve's Christmas.

Days of Thanksgiving: Eighteen.

18. I am thankful for weekends with family. Last weekend we spent some time with my family in Storm Lake and we'll be in Marengo for Thanksgiving later this week. Although we live much closer to our families than some, we still don't get there nearly as much as I wish we could. Between our busy schedules, need for downtime and the stress of traveling with a one-year-old who HATES the car, we're lucky to get back every six weeks.Once we're there, the time always goes too fast. 


I fantasize about living closer so I can swing over for a cup of coffee with my mom or make it to one of the girls' volleyball games. We could have idyllic Sunday brunches and Louis could have one on one time with all of his aunties and uncles. Instead of the focus on what I don't have however, the point of Days of Thanksgiving is to focus on what I do. Louis had a wonderful time, although he would have loved more time with his Papa who stayed away because of a stomach bug. We ate GREAT food and laughed a lot. We shared stories and memories and played games. I'm thankful for a family that I genuinely like as well as love.

Days of Thanksgiving: Seventeen

17. I am thankful for bath time. Because I'm still nursing at night, Nevin usually does bath time. It gives us both a little bit of  alone time after a long day at work. Sometimes, Nevin just needs a break and I just need a little more time with the boy. Bath time always cheers me up. Louis is goofy and happy in the tub and it's ten minutes of uninterrupted time with just the two of us. We read the same three books over and over and help Captain B catch his fish. He laughs and splashes and I cannot multitask. Bath time is good for the soul!

Days of Thanksgiving: Sixteen

16. I am thankful for a slow day. A day where there is no place to be and no reason to get out of our pajamas. These days don't come around very often but I'm hoping that during my week off I can at least get one. With the size of my to do list, I'm going to make it a priority. 

Days of Thanksgiving: Fifteen

15. I am thankful for lists. I put everything into lists. To do. Wants. Needs. Hopes. Books to read. Goals to work toward. Things to stop doing. Grocery lists. Things that make me happy. Things that upset me. The next year. The next five years. The next twenty years. I love crossing things off of my list, but even more than that I love the act of writing the list.


Writing a list is the first step in conquering the unconquerable. It organizes my thoughts and makes everything look at least a bit more manageable. When life gets overwhelming, I first take a deep breath and then sit down with a notebook and a pen. I cannot even count the amount of times in my journey to becoming a mom, that I sat with paper in hand. "Get pregnant' and "stay pregnant" did not come as easy things to cross off my personal list, but I could "quit drinking caffeine," "buy skinny jeans and enjoy enjoy your body now" or "go out on a fun date with Nevin and then sleep until noon the next day." Lists have given me pseudo-control when I've been grasping for something, anything to center me.


I have been known to put things on my list solely for the purpose of crossing them off in the next few minutes, hours or day. Some of the things may not be crossed off for weeks, months, or even years but "shower" can be immediately tackled and conquered. 


Amandajean-1 Universe-O.

Days of Thanksgiving: Fourteen

14. I am thankful for repair people. After putting my car into oncoming traffic and having my dishwasher deemed kaput, our dryer stopped tumbling. I knew I never should have put, "What in the world could happen next?" in print. I know one should never put all of their laundry off until the weekend, but that often happens in our house. I have a hard time staying up late enough during the week to get something washed, dryed, folded, and put away. 


The incident was on Friday afternoon of course and there was no hope of repair help before Monday. We spent the weekend digging DEEP into our closets and even made an emergency run to Target for socks and underwear at one point. Monday over his lunch hour, Nevin was told all we needed was a new dryer belt. While that is $100 I would have preferred to spend elsewhere, at least we didn't need another trip to Lowe's! 


I am thankful for people whose expertise is different from mine. I don't know how to fix a dryer (obviously) and when my dishwasher overflowed the best I knew how to do was turn it off and lay down towels! When my computer malfunctions, I yell for my husband, mom or brothers. If I want advice about resume writing, I have a friend in the wings. More information on current events, a great history teacher friend.  Parenting, an abundance of friends and family (both online and off). I can't do it all. None of us can. It's not a weakness to ask for help but instead a strength. 


May I know when to ask for help, but also when to offer it.

Days of Thanksgiving: Thirteen

13. I am thankful for Pinterest and Etsy. They're both a great source of inspiration and a great waste of time!

Days of Thanksgiving: Twelve

12. I am thankful for Baby Tylenol and Orajel. Poor baby boy is struggling to get at least two new teeth if not more. I held him while he cried and patted at his mouth for over an hour in the middle of last night. Today his spirits are up and I'm hoping those buggers break through his gums soon.

Days of Thanksgiving: Eleven

11. I am thankful for old friends. I was able to go out to dinner with three of my oldest friends this weekend and it was food for my soul. I miss our late night conversations and plentiful time to sit and share. I miss the days when getting together was effortless and frequent. While we all promised nothing would ever interfere with our relationship, life always does. It's one of the hard truths of growing up. Whether it be the responsibility of taking care of our children, demanding jobs, or family obligations, we just don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

This weekend though, while enjoying a delicious meal and plenty of drinks, we laughed and talked. We reminisced and shared our new lives with each other. It was beautiful.

Days of Thanksgiving: Ten

10. I am thankful for dishwashers. I didn't realize how much I took mine for granted until last Saturday when it started leaking into my basement bathroom. We heave been sans dishwasher for almost a week now and I HATE DOING DISHES. My kitchen if finally clean for the week and I don't want to mess it up! I am contemplating ordering a pizza tonight and eating it directly out of the box so I don't have to wash anything. 

It's true that when it rains it pours. What in the world could happen next?

Days of Thanksgiving: Nine

9. I am thankful for snow. Yes, I am one of those. I love the icy, white gift from the sky. I don't particularly like driving in it, but since my commute is down to less than ten minutes from the just over an hour one, that doesn't even hold me back as much. 


In my thankfulness for snow, I am able to see so many other things for which I am thankful. I am thankful for the money to be able to clothe my son in weather appropriate items. The poor bundle was swept away to daycare today in a hat, winter coat and mittens with boots and snow pants on the side. I think if they wrap him up in all of that gear, he'll melt and won't be able to move!


I am thankful for my garage. Not having to scrape my windows makes the snow that much prettier.


I am thankful for my husband. While we didn't have enough snow to warrant it this time, I know that he will take care of scooping the snow this winter. He's a pretty cool dude.


I am thankful for the never ending hot tea supply I have built up. Since my "I am thankful for coffee post", I have tried to cut back. I've been so tired lately I'm wondering if it's an overabundance of caffeine that my body is now immune to. I am sleeping. I am not pregnant. I am no more stressed out than any working mom. There is no explanation for this tiredness!


I am thankful for the (new-ish) parking ramp on campus. While it's still a small trek to my office, it is nothing compared to walking from the back of the Gilchrist parking lot like I did in the past. 


I am thankful for reliable vehicles a reliable vehicle to get me and my family around.

Days of Thanksgiving: Eight

8. I am thankful for libraries. During the semester I don't have a lot of time for fun reading, and getting to the library is basically nonexistent. As I look forward to my Thanksgiving break however, I am super stoked to take Louis for story time at the Cedar Falls Public Library again. We were going at least once a week over the summer but haven't been since then.

Since I was a little kid, the library has always been one of my favorite places to be. I remember going to the Remsen Public Library almost every day during the summer. Not only did I have my own library card number memorized, but most of the librarians did too from the frequent checkouts! It was the place I memorized Roger Hargreaves Mr. Men and Little Miss series, worked my way through the American Girl books, read every one of R.L. Stine's Goosebumps and Fear Street books, checked out the biggest biographies I could find, flipped through my first bridal magazine, and started my young fascination with romance novels (I took Zoya to my fourth grade silent sustained reading time).

I took my younger siblings to the Whittemore Public Library for story time every Saturday when I got a little older and not only did we consume many of their books but their movie rentals also came in very handy.

In college I worked at the UNI Rod Library and I would go back to work there in a second if I had the opportunity. I would probably want to move up from student building monitor and book shelver, but I remember that job fondly!

In my mind, libraries are a magical place!

Days of Thanksgiving: Seven

7. I am thankful for Spotify. Honestly, my life would be less rich without music and Spotify helps me get through grading, entertain my son, start thinking about the upcoming holiday season, clean my house faster, cut back on the amount of TV I'm watching, and liven up a quiet house.


At this exact moment I'm listening to How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I know it isn't very Thanksgiving-ie but I'm enjoying it thoroughly. On a related note, I have to keep my office door closed this time of year so no one can hear that I start listening to holiday music much earlier than others would deem okay. If I don't get some of the spirit going now though, it'll all be over before I know it! Earlier I had written that I don't like Christmas displays up in stores this early and I hold to that. There is a difference between a little music on my own time and being tinseled out by Halloween.


Thank you Spotify for making my life richer!

Days of Thanksgiving: Six

6. I am thankful for comfort. After a week in work clothes, I cannot wait to snuggle up in yoga pants, a soft sweatshirt and a throw blanket. Bliss.

Days of Thanksgiving: Five

5. I am thankful for kindness. After running around frantic and frazzled on Friday morning, I ended up in a car accident. Other than the sun that was in my eyes, it was entirely my fault. I was letting my "gotta go" mentality keep me from being safe and present in the moment. Louis and I  were in the car but besides my pride and the front drivers side wheel well area, we were unhurt.


In the remaining day, when people could have been incredibly irritated and rude about my incident, I was surrounded by kindness. The man I hit was unreasonably supportive, Nevin was caring, our insurance agent was understanding, and the students I stood up were more concerned with me than having to reschedule our meetings. I cannot say in my rush around lifestyle I always embody the spirit of kindness. I wish to be better about being kind myself and taking the time to recognize the kindness in others.

Days of Thanksgiving: Four

4. I am thankful for coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. I like fancy coffee, chain coffee, home coffee, even  cheap diner coffee. I like coffee from a traditional coffee pot, giant carafe and my fancy glass french press. I am thankful for coffee with milk, coffee with cream, coffee black, and coffee with syrup. I like extra, extra big coffees. Iced or hot, even lukewarm from sitting while too much talking happened.

Days of Thanksgiving: Three

3. I am thankful for my students. I am blessed to get to work with brilliant, up and coming, creative minds. I am often astounded by my students and I don't comment on it enough. The outrageous and awful comes up in conversation more than it should. I hope to be better at accounting the good!

Days of Thanksgiving: Two

2. I am thankful for Louis' daycare. While the first month was hard on all of us, our Child Development Center has been a godsend. I know my child is safe, loved and celebrated every day, even during the hours I cannot be with him. The wonderful teachers as his school are helping him accomplish things that aren't even on my radar. At one, he has already helped make applesauce, recognizes nursery rhymes, and helps clean up after himself. Every month that the bill comes out of my paycheck, I can say it's one purchase that is worth every penny. If anything, the check barely touches the value of the goods we receive from it.


I know for a whole host of  reasons not all parents can say this about their child's caregivers. We need to become a culture that supports parents, not one that thinks of children as an other but instead one that welcomes them into our social spaces. When our children need to grace private spaces so their parents can occupy an adult only world, these private spaces need to be given the resources and respect they deserve for the important work that they do.

Days of Thanksgiving: One

I love Christmas. I start listening to Christmas music as soon as I feel the urge, usually sometime after Halloween. The weather needs to start getting yucky and the darkness needs to start consuming my early evenings. Even in my love of Christmas however, early Christmas displays in stores irritate me. I don't want to see tinsle and candy canes until the end of November. 

I don't have a Nordstrom store anywhere near me, but if I did I would give them all of my business. This month I'm dedicating my postings to things for which I am thankful. I'm going to take the time to recognize the things in my life that give it meaning.


1. I am thankful for my family. This week JO has been living with us because she had an allergic reaction to some antibiotics and needed a comfortable haven to re-cooperate in. I am thankful both for the resources to be able to offer her a room and for the support of family when things get itchy!

Being an educator

I really do love my job. I am surrounded by passionate people, I am inspired by young people just starting to make lives for themselves, I learn new things every day, and I am constantly challenged to evaluate what it is I believe and why. I am also never completely off of the clock. I could always be reading, revising, learning, evaluating, tweaking, updating, changing, or trying something else. And my job is a critical lens in which I view everything around me. In addition to teaching communication, I am the director of a violence prevention peer education troupe. I am surrounded by inspiring people trying to change societal norms that foster a culture in which gender violence happens every day. Most days the inspiring people are enough to keep me from feeling like Sisyphus. Some days (or weeks) however, I am overwhelmed and the fight feels impossible. Is it worth the effort or am I just burning myself out? Can I really make a difference or do I just let the outside forces win and go back to a life of ignorance? How do I protect my son from outside forces without shielding him from the lessons he must learn for himself? Can I continue to inspire and work with young adults, when I sometimes have a nagging feeling that my life would be easier with a less complex job?


Last weekend I attended a college football game with my husband. We were seated next to the student section and instead of being able to focus on the field (I acknowledge there are cultural issues with football itself but that's for another day) I couldn't tear my eyes away from a situation unfolding in front of me. A young woman (a 20 year old sophomore I found out through overheard conversation) was drunk and being objectified by much older men seated in the section I was in. It started with them comments to each other before becoming comments directly to her. They eventually invited her to sit with them and in conjunction she began flirting with these men who where giving her attention. About this time one of her friends came over to ask if she was okay sitting with these men (good friend), and the young woman insisted she was. The longer the woman sat with these men, the more negative attention they started to receive from others in the section. Not at their blatant disregard of this woman as an actual person, but because her drunk behavior was annoying to them. The men's positive attention to her face continued but unbeknownst to her, a second line of comments was being directed to their section-mates. The double standard of what was expected of this woman infuriated me. She was "hot" when she wasn't acknowledging them, but the second she bought into engaging she became a "slut." To her face she was appealing but behind her back she was demeaned. Eventually her friend came back to get her and she left "safely" with people her own age. It was not my place as an outsider to say anything, but I looked at the silent supporters engaging in this interaction and wondered why no one else did. These people know each other. They sit together at every home game (we had acquired these season ticket seats for the week from an acquaintance), why was the rhetoric about the young woman's actions and not at the men and to the men? By just sitting there was I engaging in these destructive societal norms too?


I have been deemed a killjoy by even some of my closest friends, when I am unable to just sit back, relax and turn it off. I used to enjoy going out for drinks at a local bar with my friends. They misinterpret my lack of desire for this past life as a byproduct of becoming boring when my son was born. While my new veneration of sleep may be a byproduct of being a parent, my discomfort in these social situations is an undesired consequence of my job. When I was a student doing gender violence prevention work, I was much better at compartmentalizing my life. Now I see my every action as engaging in (even inadvertently) or agitating against destructive societal norms. Can anything just be fun? Can/should a cultural lens be muted for the benefit of (much needed) relaxation?


On a related note, I will not be attending a Halloween party this year because of scheduling problems. If I were, I would be going as Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Engaging in or agitating against. It's the best I can do.

Mmm...mmm...growing up...

One Year Old

One Year Ago

I can't believe we celebrated Louis' first birthday this month. If it continues to go this quickly he'll be moving out in what feels like a few weeks. The day to day of being a mom can be quite a lot to handle but this "being mindful" mindset helps. When I'm overwhelmed by the toy clutter or the whining of a teething boy, I've been working on taking a breath and looking at the larger picture. I'm so blessed. 




Other than celebrating with our family, we've been working on using our time more effectively around here. We like being successful at work, raising a happy child, having a clean house, creating healthy meals, finding time to relax, and cultivating relationships outside of our trio. There aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week for everything though. I've always been an all or nothing type and it's hard for me to do something halfway; I'd rather not do it at all! I'm trying to work on that mindset. Life can't be all or nothing or most of us would digress into nothingness. While I may strive to be perfect, it is an unattainable goal. Doing the best I can most of the time and getting by the rest has to be good enough. 


One of the places I struggle most with this is with grocery shopping and meal planning. This part of my life often falls into my overwhelmed so nothing category. I like the physical act of walking through a grocery store. The possibilities are endless and it's exciting to try new dishes or combinations. The place I falter is in the list writing and meal planning. I have a hard time imagining and planning for what I want to eat next Wednesday. I find great comfort in food and I want every meal I eat to be great. I hate mediocre food but I don't have the time to invent and cook grand cuisine three times a day every day. Also, Louis really needs healthy balanced meals three to six times a day. He is not a big eater and prefers little snacks continuously throughout the day, but this is hard. I don't want to throw crackers at him every two hours but preparing a healthy unprocessed concoction that many times a day is hard.


I'm finding help with this in food magazines and online food blogs. There are many out there that have done this before me and so I'm stealing their hard work to jump start me. Here goes nothing!

Good intentions are not enough

I had all summer to be with my boy and spend my time writing and organizing my life. Lou and I had a great time. We played and sang. We swam and read. We walked and baked. My house is much more in order than it was in May. (Most of the) boxes are unpacked in the proper rooms. The painter did a nice job of brightening up our walls. I worked hard so my classes would start out on the right foot. The lessons I created have enhanced the quality of my courses. My students are engaged and wonderful. My writing...stopped in June. I want to write. I try to take time for writing but it always comes in as the last thing on my to do list. I think of it as something that needs to be done instead of something I really want to be doing. I need a change in perspective.


I too often get caught up in all I HAVE to do and forget to by mindful of the moment. Every day I notice little reminders about slowing down and enjoying what I GET to do instead of NEED to do.


I have a house I get to clean and food I get to feed my family.
I have a baby (almost one year old) I get to rock at night when he can't sleep.
I have a partner who I get to empty the DVR with instead of going to bed early.
I have a job where I get to read papers and hear speeches from students who are excited to start their journey toward independent adulthood.


May I change all of my needs to gets and wants. May I remember what is really important. May I notice the beauty of the leaves as they fall and I think about getting to rake them up!

30. Take a swim class with Lou.

53. Cut my hair stylishly short.

While not as short as I initially imagined when I wrote this goal, this is the first step. I went in to Jiva to put a little life in my limp, pinned up hair and in the process let her give it some spunk. I love it! We'll see how it looks after a shower and a minimal amount of mousse. I have been blessed with nice hair, but I despise doing it. I hate blow dryers and curling irons, flat irons and large amounts of product. It is for these reasons that long pony tail and short textured are my only real options!

Can I do it all? Do I want to?

My first semester as a working outside of the home mom went relatively well. I was a good teacher and a good mom 85% of the time. I completely failed at taking care of myself at almost every juncture though and while he's too wonderful to admit it, I wasn't always the most attentive and happy wife. I'm hoping (as what I can only assume every mom who's trying to do everything does) to find balance in my new life. I've been excited about the concept of The Day Zero Project for awhile now, and I'm hoping to take this opportunity to find a state of equilibrium. Not everything on my list will lead me to accomplish this goal, but I'm hoping a great deal of it does.


I want my time as a teacher to be focused on my teaching. I want the time I have with my son to be totally dedicated to him and not to worrying about what I "should" be doing. I want to take time every day, even if it's just a fleeting moment, to look at my husband and remember why we got ourselves into this to begin with in the first place. Finally, I want to remember that none of the above can happen if I don't take care of myself first and foremost. 


Can I do this or will it be moved to the list of things I wish I had done in my lifetime? Only time will tell.


This list of 101 goals was started May 26, 2011 and is scheduled to finish Feb 21, 2014.

1. Answer blue milk's, "What does a feminist mother look like?" 
2. Don't complain about anything for 21 days.
3. Take a vacation with Nevin.
4. Give up fast food for a month.
5. Give Louis a brother or sister.
6. Take Louis to the zoo.
7. Run a 5K.
8. Upgrade my car to a more family friendly ride.
9. Start my own veggie/herb garden.
10. Complete Louis' "First Year" book.
11. Always use reusable shopping bags.
12. Get house painted.
13. Paint front door navy blue.
14. Give up all caffeine (besides my one cup of morning Joe...come on, let's be serious)!
15. Plant daffodils.
16. Go to an apple orchard with my boys.
17. Buy new towels for our upstairs bathroom.
18. Create a family photo display for our living room.
19. Have the floors in our house redone.
20. Go on a family bike ride.
21. Start wearing nighties to bed each night.
22. Get back into pre-pregnancy clothes before getting knocked up again.
23. Eliminate as many chemical cleaning products as possible.
24. Blog about my own Day Zero project.
25. Go to a professional baseball game.
26. Find a local place to walk/hike and start frequenting it regularly.
27. Throw a theme party for our friends.
28. Fly a kite.
29. Become certified in CPR.
30. Take a swim class with Lou.
31. Get a will written up.
32. Organize my recipes.
33. Visit a winery.
34. Attend Tulip Time in Pella.
35. Go to Oktoberfest in Amana.
36. Go to the Des Moines Farmers Market.
37. Master my homemade pie crust.
38. Read the 75 books every woman should read. 
39. Complete a random act of kindness.
40. Go to a movie by myself.
41. Play miniature golf.
42. Take Louis on the Wildlife Loop at Custer State Park.
43. Take Louis to Storybook Island.
44. Sleep through the night.
45. Find a place in the Cedar Valley to volunteer.
46. Try two new recipes a month.
47. Successfully follow through with making meal plans.
48. Get three new pairs of stems for my glasses.
49. Purchase (and wear) prescription sunglasses.
50. Get a new laptop.
51. Start a travel savings account.
52. Keep at least two house plants alive.
53. Cut my hair stylishly short.
54. Get Louis registered for preschool.
55. Create a photo book of Louis' first year.
56. Roast marshmallows in a fire pit in our backyard.
57. Start a Christmas family tradition and then follow through for three years.
58. Go to a costume party.
59. Learn to make homemade cinnamon rolls.
60. Make a new friend.
61. Take a random road trip.
62. Learn to use a power drill.
63. Read Anna Karenina.
64. Get a bird feeder.
65. Go to the chiropractor.
66. Host a formal holiday dinner.
67. Make homemade pasta noodles.
68. Eat a genuine Chicago dog.
69. Go vegetarian one day a week for three months.
70. Offer to watch a friend's baby/child so they can get out of the house for awhile.
71. Create a list of 101 things that make me happy.
72. Give up swearing.
73. Organize my photos.
74. Learn to golf.
75. Take care of my nails for one month (hope it becomes a habit).
76. Find a doctor with which I'm happy.
77. Go camping.
78. Go fishing.
79. Start a family Christmas cookie share.
80. Sing karaoke.
81. Spend a whole day in bed.
82. Build a snowperson.
83. Vote in every election for the next three years.
84. Spend one weekend with only my music, art and books. "Unplug"
85. Learn to make tiramisu.
86. Learn to apply "grown up" makeup that's best for me.
87. Go to two movies back to back.
88. Buy Christmas gifts for a child Louis' age and donate them.
89. Find a poem that means something to me and memorize it.
90. Hike on at least 10 of Iowa's best hiking trails. 
91. Take a dance class.
92. Make homemade ice cream.
93. Learn how to use all the functions on my camera.
94. Learn to play Two-Handed Pinochle with Nevin
95. Learn to play at least three songs on the guitar.
96. Stay in a bed and breakfast.
97. Send a secret to PostSecret.
98. Knit a baby sweater.
99. Ride on a train.
100. Workout five times a week for a month.
101. Learn to tile and change the back splash in my kitchen.