I really do love my job. I am surrounded by passionate people, I am inspired by young people just starting to make lives for themselves, I learn new things every day, and I am constantly challenged to evaluate what it is I believe and why. I am also never completely off of the clock. I could always be reading, revising, learning, evaluating, tweaking, updating, changing, or trying something else. And my job is a critical lens in which I view everything around me. In addition to teaching communication, I am the director of a violence prevention peer education troupe. I am surrounded by inspiring people trying to change societal norms that foster a culture in which gender violence happens every day. Most days the inspiring people are enough to keep me from feeling like Sisyphus. Some days (or weeks) however, I am overwhelmed and the fight feels impossible. Is it worth the effort or am I just burning myself out? Can I really make a difference or do I just let the outside forces win and go back to a life of ignorance? How do I protect my son from outside forces without shielding him from the lessons he must learn for himself? Can I continue to inspire and work with young adults, when I sometimes have a nagging feeling that my life would be easier with a less complex job?
Last weekend I attended a college football game with my husband. We were seated next to the student section and instead of being able to focus on the field (I acknowledge there are cultural issues with football itself but that's for another day) I couldn't tear my eyes away from a situation unfolding in front of me. A young woman (a 20 year old sophomore I found out through overheard conversation) was drunk and being objectified by much older men seated in the section I was in. It started with them comments to each other before becoming comments directly to her. They eventually invited her to sit with them and in conjunction she began flirting with these men who where giving her attention. About this time one of her friends came over to ask if she was okay sitting with these men (good friend), and the young woman insisted she was. The longer the woman sat with these men, the more negative attention they started to receive from others in the section. Not at their blatant disregard of this woman as an actual person, but because her drunk behavior was annoying to them. The men's positive attention to her face continued but unbeknownst to her, a second line of comments was being directed to their section-mates. The double standard of what was expected of this woman infuriated me. She was "hot" when she wasn't acknowledging them, but the second she bought into engaging she became a "slut." To her face she was appealing but behind her back she was demeaned. Eventually her friend came back to get her and she left "safely" with people her own age. It was not my place as an outsider to say anything, but I looked at the silent supporters engaging in this interaction and wondered why no one else did. These people know each other. They sit together at every home game (we had acquired these season ticket seats for the week from an acquaintance), why was the rhetoric about the young woman's actions and not at the men and to the men? By just sitting there was I engaging in these destructive societal norms too?
I have been deemed a killjoy by even some of my closest friends, when I am unable to just sit back, relax and turn it off. I used to enjoy going out for drinks at a local bar with my friends. They misinterpret my lack of desire for this past life as a byproduct of becoming boring when my son was born. While my new veneration of sleep may be a byproduct of being a parent, my discomfort in these social situations is an undesired consequence of my job. When I was a student doing gender violence prevention work, I was much better at compartmentalizing my life. Now I see my every action as engaging in (even inadvertently) or agitating against destructive societal norms. Can anything just be fun? Can/should a cultural lens be muted for the benefit of (much needed) relaxation?
On a related note, I will not be attending a Halloween party this year because of scheduling problems. If I were, I would be going as Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Engaging in or agitating against. It's the best I can do.
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| One Year Old |
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| One Year Ago |
I can't believe we celebrated Louis' first birthday this month. If it continues to go this quickly he'll be moving out in what feels like a few weeks. The day to day of being a mom can be quite a lot to handle but this "being mindful" mindset helps. When I'm overwhelmed by the toy clutter or the whining of a teething boy, I've been working on taking a breath and looking at the larger picture. I'm so blessed.
Other than celebrating with our family, we've been working on using our time more effectively around here. We like being successful at work, raising a happy child, having a clean house, creating healthy meals, finding time to relax, and cultivating relationships outside of our trio. There aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week for everything though. I've always been an all or nothing type and it's hard for me to do something halfway; I'd rather not do it at all! I'm trying to work on that mindset. Life can't be all or nothing or most of us would digress into nothingness. While I may strive to be perfect, it is an unattainable goal. Doing the best I can most of the time and getting by the rest has to be good enough.
One of the places I struggle most with this is with grocery shopping and meal planning. This part of my life often falls into my overwhelmed so nothing category. I like the physical act of walking through a grocery store. The possibilities are endless and it's exciting to try new dishes or combinations. The place I falter is in the list writing and meal planning. I have a hard time imagining and planning for what I want to eat next Wednesday. I find great comfort in food and I want every meal I eat to be great. I hate mediocre food but I don't have the time to invent and cook grand cuisine three times a day every day. Also, Louis really needs healthy balanced meals three to six times a day. He is not a big eater and prefers little snacks continuously throughout the day, but this is hard. I don't want to throw crackers at him every two hours but preparing a healthy unprocessed concoction that many times a day is hard.
I'm finding help with this in food magazines and online food blogs. There are many out there that have done this before me and so I'm stealing their hard work to jump start me. Here goes nothing!
I had all summer to be with my boy and spend my time writing and organizing my life. Lou and I had a great time. We played and sang. We swam and read. We walked and baked. My house is much more in order than it was in May. (Most of the) boxes are unpacked in the proper rooms. The painter did a nice job of brightening up our walls. I worked hard so my classes would start out on the right foot. The lessons I created have enhanced the quality of my courses. My students are engaged and wonderful. My writing...stopped in June. I want to write. I try to take time for writing but it always comes in as the last thing on my to do list. I think of it as something that needs to be done instead of something I really want to be doing. I need a change in perspective.
I too often get caught up in all I HAVE to do and forget to by mindful of the moment. Every day I notice little reminders about slowing down and enjoying what I GET to do instead of NEED to do.
I have a house I get to clean and food I get to feed my family.
I have a baby (almost one year old) I get to rock at night when he can't sleep.
I have a partner who I get to empty the DVR with instead of going to bed early.
I have a job where I get to read papers and hear speeches from students who are excited to start their journey toward independent adulthood.
May I change all of my needs to gets and wants. May I remember what is really important. May I notice the beauty of the leaves as they fall and I think about getting to rake them up!
