Stream of consciousness

My son needs his hair cut. I've been trimming it for the last six months but I am not a hairdresser. It needs some loving  but I don't want to pay for a $35 haircut. I feel badly every time I pull his stocking hat off and the static cling grips every strand of his hair to his face. Poor guy!

<3 

I have really been neglecting my camera and memory keeping since Christmas. It's one of the first things to go when I get busy and this semester has been swamp worthy.

<3 

Sitting on the couch surrounded by a freshly scrubbed home is one of the greatest feelings imaginable. Especially when my husband did the work and I get to reap the benefits.

<3 

They have Valentine's Day cups at Starbucks right now. I always look forward to the Christmas ones, but I don't remember these. It put a smile on my face this morning when the barista handed me my caramel macchiato though (as if a giant coffee doesn't always do that for me)!

I'm teaching research skills in my oral communication classes today. It's such an important topic and yet SO HARD to teach. They get bored and check out and later when I'm grading their speeches and they did crap research and didn't even try to do a proper citation, I want to bang my head against the wall. I think I have a solid plan for the day though...we'll see...

<3 

I ate a lot more healthy when I was pregnant and breastfeeding. Now that I have no one to take care of but my own body (after almost TWO YEARS of incubating and feeding another human), I am AWFUL. At work I just get so busy that I grab less than nutritious snacks. I'm not one of those people that doesn't eat, instead I have tootsie rolls and crackers for lunch. Yesterday it was a ginormous UNI sugar cookie. Perhaps taking care of myself needs to become a priority?

<3 

I've thought about cutting Grey's Anatomy  and Private Practice out of my DVR almost every week for the last two years, but I just can't make myself do it. As awful as they both are, I can't cut ties. I have to know from week to week exactly who is sleeping with who and how everyone feels about it. 

<3

Tonight for our Friday family night dinner I adapted a recipe I found on Iowa Girl Eats. These mini Mexican bites are wonderful! Instead of the chili I mixed up black beans and refried beans with some taco seasoning and put them in regular sized muffin tins. They were delicious and Louis even ate them. A Valentine's weekend miracle!

<3

This is one of the single most random thing I have ever written. Hopefully my three readers won't be too disappointed!

Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Car

Louis hates the car. This is not a new thing. It has been going on since he was 36 hours old and we bundled him into his car seat for the first time. He started screaming that bloodcurdling shriek every parent knows and fears. Nevin and I walked out of the hospital engulfed in panic as all eyes were on us. We had been parents for less than two days and our child was already embarrassing us.

Screaming as we put him into the car seat.

Lou is now almost 16 months old and other than a brief fascination with Christmas with the Chipmunks, nothing has kept him from screaming in his car seat since that first ride a year and a half ago. I have reached my breaking point. Getting him out the door to daycare every morning is tough enough, but when I get anywhere near putting him in the PT he tightens his legs into a plank position and lets out a guttural howl. I don't know if it is more a showcases of his strength or my weakness but after the howling starts, he wedges his giant melon against the top of the car seat and his legs against the back seat and I CANNOT get him into a seated position. At this point (every day, mind you) I have two options, 1) physically force my child to do something he does not want to do...something I am against on all levels or 2) wait it out and hope my eardrums survive and we aren't too late for our day. The only solution I have come up with is something with which I'm not entirely comfortable. Do we go against the new(ish) APA standards, and turn his car seat around a full eight months before he is two?

Still screaming one year later.

I was considering taking the leap a couple of months ago. I had never been in a car accident, we didn't exactly have a child on the small side of the spectrum, and I recognized that being a parent was constantly trying to make your own decisions in the midst of multiple, contradictory "well meaning" recommendations. The day after Nevin and I decided we would make the switch that following weekend, I pulled out in front of a car and ended up in a collision with another person. Now we were back to worrying about the safety of it all. It goes without saying, I would rather listen to him screaming than the alternative.


Am I being ridiculous? Will turning him around even stop the screaming? Am I going to be driving my screaming, fifteen-year-old, six foot tall son to basketball practice or jazz band rehearsal?

Newton's Third Law

For every moment last semester that I felt like I could not only survive being a working mother but maybe even survive it with a little grace and class, I have had a moment this semester where I thought perhaps I not only shouldn't have had a child but maybe I should quit my job too.

It's been a rough few weeks. Some semesters I am blessed with students that are easy to accommodate. While they all require their own specific relationship, I usually figure it out pretty quickly with not a lot of stress. This semester has been the exact opposite of ease. I have one particular student this semester who is challenging my confidence as a college instructor. This student has taken more patience than I have mustered for anyone in a long time. I want to help but worry I don't have the tools. To add to this students clear need for a specific sort of relationship and understanding, there is a very negative attitude that makes it hard to see the person under the negative exterior. I have a hard time with bad attitudes. I can deal with a lot of things but negativity is hard for me. Sadly, this is not the only student I've been spending extra time with this semester though, I have quite a few that are dealing with things that are beyond imagination. There is a lot of pain, turmoil, and adult circumstances underneath these "typical" college students' exterior. Being 19 is not as easy as we all like to pretend it is.

School has been zapping my excess energy and has left me pretty worthless at home. I feel like I've hit an all time low when I snip at my just over one-year-old for squishing his banana hands into my dress pants on a morning when we're already running late. Even in the moment I know I'm overreacting, but I'm so twisted up that it takes very little for me to spin out of control. I'm very lucky to have an understanding husband to pick up my slack, but I worry that one day he'll have had enough of my antics and lose the patience he's always had enough of for the both of us. I've been practicing deep breathing. Thinking before I speak. Remembering what's really important. All of that mumbo jumbo!

Other than the mumbo jumbo, I do not currently have a great solution for my overwhelmed nature. I'm trying to slow down and appreciate the small things and be more gracious with myself. When I feel my organized life spinning out of control I often try to overcompensate with list making and scheduling every waking (and occasional non-waking) moment. We know this mama is losing it when "shower," "fill water bottle," and "wash face" are scheduled into time increments on my weekly calendar and are color coded by category. For the record, "fill water bottle" is blue for Fuel/Recharge and I've allotted five minutes every two hours to get out to the water fountain and back.

Losing it? Maybe a little bit.

Resolutions

So I like writing resolutions...keeping them is another story. Because my goal is to be better, not be perfect though. I'm doing okay.


1. plant a garden.
I received my seed porn in the mail today. Seed Savers Exchange, Burpee, Johnny's and Gurney's. They have my motivation up. Now I just need to figure out exactly how to start a garden. Details.

2. spend more time at the local library.
I haven't been back, but I'm hoping to go on Saturday afternoon. We start Louis' Parent/Child swimming lessons on Saturday though, so we'll see if we have the energy for it.

3. buy local.
So far, fail. I have bought one gift and it ended up being from Kohl's. Now in my defense it's something Dylan will really like, but it's not exactly unique.

4. focus my energy on cultivating relationships. 
Nevin and I got away for 30 hours to celebrate our anniversary. It was a great trip in Decorah! We ate great food, enjoyed a couple of adult beverages, did a little shopping, and got to sleep through the night.


Winter break allowed for some time with my friends and family and I hope to continue that priority once the semester get's going.

5. establish a method for organizing my pictures. 
Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, nix.

6. blog more as a way of memory keeping. 
This is my first blog posting since I made that resolution. Hmmm...we'll see.

7. get up before Louis in the morning.
I've gotten better at this and today I even worked out before Louis got out of bed. Will this continue? I hope so. 

8. be more thoughtful, kind, gracious, patient, happy, pleasant...
Always a work in progress.

My year in review

Spread the Word

Facilitating Judgement-Free Breastfeeding

Welcome 2012!

I have been missing for the last few weeks because I've been overwhelmed with finishing up an old semester and getting ready for a new one, while trying to celebrate the holiday season with my little family and our larger more extended families. I could go back and write about it all, but I'm not feeling it. I'd rather focus on the year ahead and all of the resolutions I hope to make habits in the next year.


I am a huge fan of beginning of the year resolutions. I love the thought of starting new and of making myself into a better person than I currently am. I love beginnings and writing lists. I love trying new things and thinking critically about my life. While I could spend my time working really hard toward one goal, I think I will instead make a comprehensive list, knowing I will most likely not accomplish all of them at 100%. I will instead focus on even small steps toward the following list.


This year, I will...

1. plant a garden. I hope to add more and more plants over the next few years, but this summer I would like enough fresh produce to create a fresh omelette, a homemade salsa, or a crisp, summer salad with Louis.

2. spend more time at the local library. Spending money on books is wasteful with such an amazing resource at my fingertips. I want to instill a love of reading in my son and reading has always been an escape for me. Both of these ideologies are reasons to find time to spend more time in the stacks.

3. buy local. While Amazon is convenient and a last minute gift buyers dream, I would like to do better at supporting our local establishments. There are great places downtown to find unique, quality gifts. I just need to make the time to shop this way.

4. focus my energy on cultivating relationships. I need alone time but when life gets tough, it's the people that step up that can save you from yourself. My family started with just my husband and me. That relationship is the foundation on which my family now stands, we must remember to take care of it. Before my husband and me though, there were the wonderful friendships that got me through college. My girlfriends were my world, and they deserve more of my current world. It won't ever be as much as it once was, but they need to be a priority even in a new form.

5. establish a method for organizing my pictures. I am terrible at baby books and picture books. I have tried and failed. I want to be one of those moms but it's just not going to happen. Once something becomes a "should," my guard goes up and I never get around to it again. Some months I take hundreds of pictures and others I'm lucky to get five, but no matter the quantity I want to make them easy to access. 

6. blog more as a way of memory keeping. Just as I struggle with the baby books and the picture books, I have not been great at being a consistent writer here. While for many a blog is a way to make their lives public, I view this as a convenient way of remembering.

7. get up before Louis in the morning. I need to use Louis' sleeping time more to my advantage. He is no longer that infant that didn't move from his blanket while I ran laundry, flipped through a magazine, graded a stack of papers or retreated into a relaxing episode of some corny, cop show. After he goes to bed at night and before he gets up in the morning are my best bets at time alone. Whether it be 30 minutes on the elliptical, a couple chapters of a one of my current library books, writing one of these very posts, or selecting the best photos from the month, this time is valuable and should be cherished.

8. be more thoughtful, kind, gracious, patient, happy, pleasant...

Can I do it all? Most likely not. Can I try every, single day to be better? Absolutely.