Newton's Third Law

For every moment last semester that I felt like I could not only survive being a working mother but maybe even survive it with a little grace and class, I have had a moment this semester where I thought perhaps I not only shouldn't have had a child but maybe I should quit my job too.

It's been a rough few weeks. Some semesters I am blessed with students that are easy to accommodate. While they all require their own specific relationship, I usually figure it out pretty quickly with not a lot of stress. This semester has been the exact opposite of ease. I have one particular student this semester who is challenging my confidence as a college instructor. This student has taken more patience than I have mustered for anyone in a long time. I want to help but worry I don't have the tools. To add to this students clear need for a specific sort of relationship and understanding, there is a very negative attitude that makes it hard to see the person under the negative exterior. I have a hard time with bad attitudes. I can deal with a lot of things but negativity is hard for me. Sadly, this is not the only student I've been spending extra time with this semester though, I have quite a few that are dealing with things that are beyond imagination. There is a lot of pain, turmoil, and adult circumstances underneath these "typical" college students' exterior. Being 19 is not as easy as we all like to pretend it is.

School has been zapping my excess energy and has left me pretty worthless at home. I feel like I've hit an all time low when I snip at my just over one-year-old for squishing his banana hands into my dress pants on a morning when we're already running late. Even in the moment I know I'm overreacting, but I'm so twisted up that it takes very little for me to spin out of control. I'm very lucky to have an understanding husband to pick up my slack, but I worry that one day he'll have had enough of my antics and lose the patience he's always had enough of for the both of us. I've been practicing deep breathing. Thinking before I speak. Remembering what's really important. All of that mumbo jumbo!

Other than the mumbo jumbo, I do not currently have a great solution for my overwhelmed nature. I'm trying to slow down and appreciate the small things and be more gracious with myself. When I feel my organized life spinning out of control I often try to overcompensate with list making and scheduling every waking (and occasional non-waking) moment. We know this mama is losing it when "shower," "fill water bottle," and "wash face" are scheduled into time increments on my weekly calendar and are color coded by category. For the record, "fill water bottle" is blue for Fuel/Recharge and I've allotted five minutes every two hours to get out to the water fountain and back.

Losing it? Maybe a little bit.